For the love of PETE, just when you thought Mondays are the absolute worst things in the world—and that goes double for folks in Green Bay and Pittsburgh—a movie franchise steps in and gives us all a little relief, a little nudge on the shoulder, making everything seem less suck-able.
Oh, hell yes…when it comes to making a movie, the title (sometimes) is just as important as the dialogue, just as important as the actors—seasoned extras included—just as important as the director, the writer, the co-star sex scandals…all of it. In a world of “visual consumption” few things tickle the consumer’s spend reflex better than a solid movie title.
For instance, I went to see Good Burger back in the ’90s without knowing much about the film. There was no perusing of a review, no word-of-mouth yay or nay; instead, I relied on my inner-trust, telling myself, “Hey Rick, you dooooooooo like a good burger.” And that was all the convincing I needed.
Was it worth it? No way, that movie was worse than a cross-country flight while sitting next to a two-year-old who likes crayons and Sugar in the Raw packets. But that title, though…it got my butt in the seat and my money in the studio’s pocket. And that’s Los Angeles.
Now, I’m not taking this current news of Stars Wars bliss and comparing it to a film about hamburgers. What I am saying, though, is that…nine months from now, there will be a flux of newborn babies named after Star Wars characters. And that’s because titles are important—plus it seems like a lot of the roads are closed today because of heavy snowfall.
With that in mind, here are a few of the alternative titles that Disney was going to go with for Episode VIII—understanding that, because of the Level Red Secrecy surrounding this film, what you are about to read is simply hear-say, opinion, and should not be laid on the doorstep of George Lucas because he will imprison me and then I’ll miss all of the Super Bowl commercials.
Here we go…
Star Wars Episode VIII: This Time, Yoda Pays for the Drinks
There have been rumors that the Little Master Jedi himself would make an appearance in one of the new installments—yes, as a ghost, because we know he died and so on—and it seems as though Episode VIII was the prime opportunity. And it has been argued that the main focus of the brief scene with Yoda is to only shed light on one of his more annoying traits: his cheap, scheme-like attitude toward picking up the tab during Happy Hour.
This issue, only really known by the most dedicated fans, apparently gets painted over with a little shock-value glaze, as Yoda, indeed, finally pays for a round of drinks.
“These drinks, pay for I will, hmmm…”
“Um, yeah, about fucking time, you green dork!”
Star Wars Episode VIII: I Hope That Was Your Finger, Wookiee
So, yeah, even the most novice Star Wars fan knows that Chewbacca doesn’t wear pants—sort of a sheik homage to an underground New York scene long since blown up by Charlton Heston and the apes. And people always seemed to respect his choices—hell, even the robots/droids/lizards were pretty muck A-OK with Chewy running around with an exposed nether region—relying on the the old icebreaker “Is that a gun in your pocket or…………..?”
The issue now, though, is that the pilot of the Millennium Falcon is not Harrison Ford—and man, Chewy is not prepared for some his current fuzzy feelings that he never really had to deal with when Ol’ Han “My Wife” Solo was at the wheel.
The issue is an HR nightmare, and every time he accidentally bumps into Rey whilst trying to fix (YET, FUCKING AGAIN!) that darn broken hyper drive, Chewy gets caught in a crisis that he hasn’t dealt with since his Senior Prom at the Harry Henderson School for Tall and Hairy Things in Film.
And now? Well, rumor has it that Chewy eventually buys a pair of Long-Johns at the Hoth System gift shop, and Rey thanks him and tells him not to be sooooooo embarrassed—and that the zipper part goes in the front.
Star Wars Episode VIII: Luke and the Deleted Social Media Accounts
The storm of opinions whipped up about Luke after Episode VII were strong enough that I honestly made phone calls to Diane Lane, Mark Wahlberg and George Clooney JUST to make sure they were safe and sound. It was that powerful.
The main gist behind the gargled cloud of blogs and apocalyptic tweet battles was centered around one question: Why in the hell—what, with all the bells and whistles available—was it so goddamn difficult to find Luke? After all, the man was on an island with seemingly zero shelter—sans like a few rocks here and there.
So, yeah, what the fuck?
Luckily, this dilemma gets a little resolve in Episode VIII. It turns out, based on some leaked evidence, that we get the answer pretty quickly too.
Luke, amazingly enough, wanted to go off the grid, so he deleted his Twitter account, Facebook account, Snapchat, Tumblr, his lifestyle blog, and his Instagram—note: Vine went under during the filming, so he didn’t have to do anything there. His reasoning, as it goes, is super shocking: Luke reveals to Rey that he simply wanted to disappear, to be left alone to train…for CBS’ new show ‘Hunted.’
Yep, Luke had big aspirations to be on the new reality show, an interesting Catch Me if You Can deal, where the contestants are fugitives and they must evade The Fuzz (Pigs, Cops, Feds, Gumshoes, Etc.) at all costs:
And it turns out that Luke, being a Jedi, knew about the show early on and thought it was a cool idea—and to get a head start on the competition, he began to practice evading things.
First, it was simple stuff, like a weird game of hide and seek with R2D2 in the rain (remember?)…but then he increased the stakes, and THAT’S when Episode VII happened. In fact, that’s what the entire movie was based on—a show on CBS and one man’s desire to be on it.
Unfortunately, Luke’s audition tape was super grainy and the sound cut out RIGHT when he was going to do a rendition of Tommy Lee Jones’ monologue in The Fugitive, and he didn’t get picked. So, extremely defeated and stuck on an island with no boat or a Facebook Live option, Luke found himself in a bit of a pickle…so he said, “Ah, fuck it! I’ll get found and do the Jedi thing…again.”
Star Wars Episode VIII: They’ll Let Anyone Sell Galactic Insurance These Days
Let’s break this down: No redeeming qualities—like David Spade in Coneheads—and he’s, well, creepy…like a squid made sexy time to some Silly Putty.
And yet—yet, yet, yet!—Ol’ Bib Fortuna is back, this time as a pain-in-the-ass insurance salesmen.
The truth is, he’s probably still waiting for the reward Luke told him he would receive in Episode VI…but all of that aside, rumors are swirling that he shows up over 15 times during Episode VIII—usually after an inevitable speeder/destroyer accident—and he immediately starts blabbing, “You could have saved 16 PERCENT WITH ME!!”
Super weird—but if you’re a fan of insurance salesman in cinema, a la Groundhog Day, then you have to applaud this effort.
Star Wars Episode VIII: This is the Last Pack of Depends, Supreme Leader
George Lucas didn’t want to get involved, apparently, but it’s been said he fought really hard for this title. Although nothing has been verified, some say that he said, “This title keeps in line with some of our forgotten audience base and sends a message of unity, regardless of this or that or whatever the fuck.”
And gang, let’s face it; George Lucas is right.
Supreme Leader is old. And, based on some of those rumors (yet again), it’s been said that he’s sooooo annoyed in Episode VIII because some of the younger soldiers are too lackadaisical around his lawn and garden, and that their music is too damn loud. The dent in his head—a reoccurring injury from bending down to pick up Dollar Scratchers off the floor then banging his noggin on the coffee table—is only getting worse.
He can’t find his keys either—not since February 2015, right before his super weapon failed and blew up the base/planet/thing. Worse yet, a nervous stomach mixed with a diet of 99 percent yogurt and Budweiser has given him a small case of the Mexican Trots, and meetings have not been very pleasant, to say the least. (This issue started during Episode VII, which explains why he was only an image, a hologram, and not the real thing. Apparently the stench is a real whisker-burner.)
Because of this…problem, unfortunately, the First Order has spent a large portion of their reserve budget to alleviate it. And NOW they’re running out of money.
Could this be the First Order’s downfall?
Puns intended or not, Episode VIII sounds like it’s going to be some serious shit.