This just in…
A completely unreliable and fictitious source – the same ones used by major news groups – has confirmed that Mitt Romney’s recent sappy-sad attitude occurred over the loss of his favorite hair gel. Recent-speculation linked his demeanor to tax issues, twitter-smack and Tom Brady’s damaged beak, but they were dead wrong.
News about Romney’s favorite paste – the “messy canister” available by AXE – disappeared somewhere in the Iowa region and the whereabouts are unknown – NOTES: the paste whereabouts are unknown, not Iowa, they had a Google-Map.
Members close to the G.O.P. Nominee will not comment on this issue, but one Official did release this statement:
His hair doesn’t look good.
The finger-pointing and blame-game has left little time in the already busy schedule for Romney, admittedly missing key book-club meetings, Glee episodes and Friday’s game-night with Newt, but he has vowed never to stop looking for the AXE canister, allegedly. But, Romney better hurry his search-pony, more unreliable sources have already began accusing him of wearing a Pat Riley wig all this week – thus explaining all the head-scratching during his campaign questioning.
After hearing of the dilemma, Democratic forces moved quickly and ruled out the possibilities of President Barak Obama as the culprit behind the missing gel, opting instead to release his most recent speech:
People are people, and I believe people want to change. And, I want to help change the people’s minds of the people who don’t like the people, that already changed their minds. My mind is made up. This campaign is about the people, for the people, and the people will like that idea. For any people, that don’t like the idea of people liking people who want change, then it’s my duty to change the people, that feel this way about other people.
Following his ground-breaking banter, the President reportedly told a gas station clerk that he has no clue. Then, when asked about the missing hair gel the President calmly replied, “Oh, you meant that? Yeah, it looks like a Pat Riley wig.”
It’s difficult to speculate at this point on whether or not the gel will be found, but one thing is for certain: The political world has noticed, and baby seals still make for a really comfortable slipper, allegedly. The saga continues.
It’s best advised to pack a sack-lunch and set the DVR to record-all-mode because this thing may never end!
Until then, the Couch Journalist is on it…sort of.
Thank you, and good morning – in London.
The Couch Journalist.
Be sure to follow me on twitter@couchjournalist.