It’s no secret – Bobby Valentine wants to crawl through the microphone and punch you in the mouth. You dig?

While the Boston Red Sox slide into complete mediocrity for the season, their embattled coach has been taking the heat from the sports world, and with good reason – the Red Sox carry an extravagant almost-13 million dollar payroll, and their terrible. That’s the equivalent of purchasing a row of houses, demolishing them, then building a bus stop in the respective space. You better get a fluffy pillow, your decisions will land you on the couch.

Luckily, I’m already here.

With the recent radio-threats made by Bobby Valentine towards the WEEI staff, most notably Glenn Ordway, in Boston, I have began to rethink and research the absolute veracity of the ex-ESPN’r.

Is he a great coach? Does he deserve to be the Red Sox skipper? It doesn’t matter. What really matters is how tough of a “Valentine” this guy is.

Without getting up, or spilling my beer, I have devised the all-knowing that requires the devising.

It’s Thursday, and we all love lists. So, without delay and over scribbling…I give you “The Toughest Valentines in the Business.”

1.) Greg “The Hammer” Valentine – The mind-boggled-beef flopping around the wrestling mat is usually better served for those under the age of ten, but this guy deserves some credit. With his flowing, blonde mane intact, “The Hammer” has been cleaning the canvas with dudes mugs since the early 70’s and he continued to do so into the millennium. Yes, it’s fake. I know. But, don’t tell that to the countless number of roid-popping personalities that fell to the count of “three” against him – ask Ric Flair, that lost to “The Hammer” in 1980, just how difficult he was. If a bar fight breaks out in the darkest of regions, you want this guy’s rope-tactics on your side – Regardless if you have to choreograph it, or not, Greg “The Hammer” Valentine is one, tough man…or was.

2.) The Day – There isn’t enough chocolate or lace-undergarments in the world to get over the knockouts this Valentine has been responsible for. “So, I will see you at 8 o’ clock?” No, you won’t. Instant K.O to the mind, soul, and sometimes the body! We don’t need a baby floating in his diaper, shooting arrows and thinking it’s funny, to know how this behemoth has performed on all of us…well, most of us. Thank the scientific calendar-positioning that “Valentine’s Day” is only once a year. Any more than that is too much muscle – enough to scare even the biggest, baddest and down-right nuttiest of man. “Valentine’s Day,” this is a list-only party and, unfortunately, you are on that list. Get out the ice cream and call my girlfriends, this guy can get messy.

3.) Bobby Valentine – This was no joke; the sources and the scrambling P.R. Team does not fool anyone. Bobby Valentine has had one thing this year – Enough! Forget the line-up card and building for the future of the franchise, Bobby V. is out to crack skulls.

And, why stop at a frumpy, radio host?

The real match up for dominant supremacy in Boston should come from within the clubhouse. Valentine v. Pedroia would be a bought worthy of bringing the beer and chicken back into the “realm of the unspeakable.” Reports about these two not enjoying the company of each other, un-respectively, has cluttered the tube for the entire season. The stress alone – unless it’s just hereditary – has caused Pedroia the same fate as the show-dog from the “Big Lebowski;” his hair is falling out.

September can be a difficult time in the MLB season, and even more difficult if you are at the bottom, looking up. The Red Sox have traded away all the other worthy contenders, so the Pedroia, “smack-down 2012,” is all that is left on the program. Take it.

Height alone would make this push-and-shove extremely interesting, and it’s hard to say who would win. One thing is for absolute certainty, howver; Bobby Valentine is one crazy guy, and he serves his last name, proudly.

Until then, keep the chocolate in the box. You will want to wear that Speedo to the picnic with pride.