Now that Nirvana has officially (sarcastically) confirmed that Kurt Cobain is, in fact, still alive, we can shift our focus to the Week 2 NFL Power Rankings!
Yessir, the first week of professional pigskin is in the books, and holy shit, is there some serious shifting and dissection-worthy teetering going on with this league. I mean, what a show…what showmanship. Touchdowns, interceptions, passes, kicks, obscurity, parity (parody)…And all of the feels were brought to you by a league that didn’t feature Tom Brady. More on his hair later, though.
So, what do we know? Well, nothing really. There are currently 16 teams that have a shot at going undefeated and there are 16 teams that don’t…and that’s about it. But let’s not get bitter like a hasty curmudgeon and start bitching about what week we are in and the reality of novice seasons and early this and early that and the fact that Brad Pitt’s character in Kalifornia was named Early and…phew! We know, scientist: it’s only one game…
Snooze you lose, though. Just saying. And while you might be waiting for expressed, written consent to recap the entire season, I am going full throttle and jumping the gun right now. You know what time it is? You’re damn right…
32. Los Angeles Rams
No sane person works out at Muscle Beach. Remember that.
(Suggestion box: Just film pissed-off Gregg Williams saying stuff and this team will remain popular, though. In fact, I’d put them at No. 1 and wouldn’t even blink.)
31. Cleveland Browns
Just when you thought things were looking up for the city of Cleveland…the Browns show up with their orange pants and wreck the fiesta, playing sluggish ball like snails addicted to pregame marshmallows. They’re bad. Robert Griffin III was injured and is out (reportedly) eight games, which means the Browns will start their 7,667 quarterback since 1999.
They jumped the Rams simply based on the fact they scored actual points.
30. Chicago Bears
What the Bears lack in QB trust and defense is made up for by the city’s acceptance of Jeppson’s Malort.
A small shot of the foul, acid-fluxing potion is all you’ll need to forget everything I just said. Shots!
29. Tennessee Titans
This team’s offense and defense looked like a bunch of malarkey—an interesting choice of words considering this team is coached by Mike Mularkey, you know? Regardless, it’s only September and people are already talking about Nashville Predators hockey.
But there is hope: The Titans play the Browns and the Bears this season. That…could be two wins, gang. And that’s no malarkey, Mularkey.
28. San Diego Chargers
Every other NFL fan base’s home away from home just doesn’t have that great of a defense, and the tough loss to Kansas City in Week 1 was only slightly less painful than losing Keenan Allen to injury. The really bad news: this team has several games to go before they unveil the NFL COLOR RUSH SUPER COOL ALL BLUE ALL THE TIME ALL OVER MY BODY uniforms against Denver, too, so it’s going t be a game of patience.
Sing it, Axl.
A moment of reflection, though: I really hope this team stays in San Diego because the location, and the scheduling of non-division games, gives a lot of fans from other teams in colder, less picturesque areas a chance to get some sunshine.
27. Buffalo Bills
Andre Reed was lethal in Tecmo Super Bowl. Unfortunately, that was a video game from 1991, and doesn’t help the current Bills team. I put them in front of the Chargers simply because the Bills’ fan base does crazy shit in the parking lot.
26. San Francisco 49ers
Like that birdie you got on the fifth hole after two mulligans…the 49ers are asking us to ignore a lot when considering the credibility of their win over the Rams.
25. Washington Redskins
I have seen the Redskins ranked as high as 17th by other experts. What the fuck? Are they basing this on How Amazing was Your Team’s Huddle Back in the Day?
Sure, Washington’s was adorable, but this offense, that defense? No way.
24. New Orleans Saints
Blame this ranking on your kicker, New Orleans. Not me.
23. Atlanta Falcons
This team has not been the same since the days of Gerald Riggs. At one point, Matt Ryan’s face was considered to be the most desirable shape for men. Now people despise it. It’s ranked below Gerard Depardieu according to a recent Plastic Surgery Study.
22. New York Jets
Fireman Ed have enough yet? Again?
21. Miami Dolphins
Great uniforms, solid team. There might be something to Ryan Tannehill and, if the receivers can learn to catch or perhaps tip passes with pinpoint accuracy, this team might win a game or two.
Here’s a photo of Lauren Tannehill holding a fish:
20. Indianapolis Colts
You guys lost to Detroit.
19. Philadelphia Eagles
Same argument as the one with 49ers…but make it an eagle (no pun intended) and add another mulligan.
It’s the Browns, gang.
18. Jacksonville Jaguars
I like this team even though I was pronouncing their name with a soft J. Regardless, they have a chance to make some noise in the AFC and in enclosed spaces. Got to burn those uniforms, though, and go 1998. But I’m not Fred Taylor so whatever.
17. Dallas Cowboys
There is a clock in football. You must manage it. Side note…if you’re ever in Dallas go eat at the Slow Bone. Good stuff.
16. Kansas City Chiefs
This team needed overtime to beat the San Diego Chargers. That’s…that should be concerning.
Still one of the best Snickers commercials of all time:
15. Detroit Lions
All this team needed was for Calvin Johnson to retire. This is now Theo’s town.
14. Baltimore Ravens
Purple-and-Black is a difficult color combination to pull off, but not as difficult as a villain-like unibrow. Joe Flacco was meant for this team, and in Joe…they must trust.
13. Minnesota Vikings
This team deserves credit for winning the game against the Titans; a win is a win is a win, etc. But the defense scored all of the touchdowns. This screws with nature, by definition, much like an outdoor stadium existing in the state of Minnesota (it’s 34 degrees there in August!). Luckily, this team is back indoors and can eventually pass the reigns to Sam Bradford. That’s good, right?
Sort of good?
12. New York Giants
You’ll eventually notice that I’m biased toward teams that dance.
11. Tampa Bay Buccaneers
The irony of this current Buccaneers team is that a) this year they will eventually wear the uniforms of the famed 0-14 season while probably being undefeated and b) Jameis Winston can probably go to the bay and catch all the crab he wants—for free!
10. Houston Texans
If I am writing a spec script about a goddamn champion, the lead’s name is going to be Brock Osweiler. Talk about rising from Papa John’s ashes and showing the world you aren’t just some dude who holds a clipboard and whistles a lot. This team has the defense, we knew that, but now it has an offense.
Interestingly enough, the city of Houston was built on a swamp.
9. Arizona Cardinals
If you are into ceremonial seasons, this year marks the 20th (yes 20th) anniversary of Rod Tidwells’ famous catch and long-winded scene in Jerry Maguire. It was a completion that made Jerry realize he was incomplete. I’m not sure how this affects the Cardinals’ season this year, but experts get paid a ton of money to make random predictions with a lot less…
8. Cincinnati Bengals
Hmmmmmmm. Not sure about this ranking. Call back next week.
7. Denver Broncos
Not yet, Denver. Win the battle of Types of Horses this week against Indy and maybe—maybe!—I’ll move you ahead of the next three teams.
6. Oakland Raiders
If Jack Del Rio wasn’t a head coach, he would’ve made a fine extra in Mad Men.
The Raiders went for a two-point conversion, made it, and squeaked out a win against the Saints—in New Orleans. Had I been there, I would have tossed some beads in Jack’s general direction and applauded him for his proverbial-yet-confident tit-flash in the face of extreme pressure.
5. Carolina Panthers
Although the Panthers lost to the Denver Broncos, this team looked better than their opponent. Cam Newton chews blue gum that matches the team’s blue color, and that’s all I really needed to rank them ahead of the Broncos. He flosses, too.
4. Seattle Seahawks
Your QB is having sex on the reg’ now, but that doesn’t mean the Seahawks are bound for greatness. They have the talent, everywhere, but all of it was negated by the Dolphins—The. Dolphins.
That’s not great.
3. Green Bay Packers
The Yaguars (sorry, old habit) are not an easy win anymore, but the Packers probably expected a more impressive showing on Sunday. But have no fear, Cheese Heads: Rogers is the kind of guy you want running the office. He will boost sales, while keeping things light and loosey-goosey (Clay’s hair can flow all the way to Lake Michigan as long as he keeps the D in check), reassuring the fan base things will be just fine in Green Bay…until it gets cold and your socks freeze to your ankles. All hail Jordy Nelson!
2. Pittsburgh Steelers
Yinz caused the internet to explode Monday night after Antonio Brown’s now Five Famous Pumps.
If you didn’t know what twerking was…well, now you do. But that’s not important. What is important was the ass smack Brown put on the ref—who then let out a “OOOOOOUUUCHH-UH! with a “I liked that shit” smile—a few series later. TV is great.
1. New England Patriots
As promised: Tom Brady’s 2016 hairstyle is ’90s at its finest.
This team, without him, is still better than the other 31 with him. Wait! What the hell did I just say? What I mean is, this team is Tom Brady’s and yours is not so therefore you are not Tom Brady. No, that’s not it either.
Here it is: Tom Brady is my father…AHHHH!! That’s not what I meant!
(Slams the stick down on the ground and stares into the eyes of the Piñata.)
Screw it—you know what I mean.
Until next week, enjoy the games.