Watching your favorite player or team compete in a sports event is one of the coolest things to do.
It’s the thrill of involving yourself in something you have zero control over. There’s usually alcohol involved in the viewing process, too, which makes yelling a lot more fun. (Hey, A-hole! Where’d you learn to freaking run?!?) (Damn it, Jim, throw strikes!!)
To show your spirit, your ultimate allegiance to this practice created in the days of lions eating men in robes, it’s always a great idea to wear your favorite player’s or team’s jersey. Whether you are at the bar or your cousin Patty’s shed, dressing the part of a true fan is just as important as your ability to understand what you’re actually watching.
But what if your favorite team is the United States, you say? Or some other country? What then?
What do you wear when you are cheering on…the world?
Yes, yes, it’s the Olympics. It’s here. A time of unity, international competition and, yes, fashion. It’s a time where you want to be sure you are showing the truest of spirits toward your country, your president…the people crammed around you at the viewing party.
The wrong outfit screams amateur(!)—and definitely a puker…so water down that Fuzzy Navel and don’t sit next to Walter (he hates pukers!).
The right outfit, though, shows that you know what’s up. That you can do a keg-stand AND some shots AND explain that there’s a Jack Nicholson, and there’s a Jack Nicklaus.
I want all of you to be the latter. A flock of excellence neatly tucked, painted, twisted and tattooed into a World Class Goddamn Cheering Horse of Perfection. And here are the five Olympic-themed outfits—for man or woman—that I think are acceptable choices to reach this fashion mountain. In descending order.
5. The Flag Bearer of Tonga
Sure, there are some drawbacks here, mainly the amount of oil needed to pull off this look. But grass skirts are no longer just a Hawaii thing. There’s comfort with this choice, while also highlighting the fact you watched the Opening Ceremony.
Ladies, throw on a Flag or Budweiser bikini top, maybe an “I’m with Stupid –>” shirt, sit back, and just wait for the local news tomorrow when you’re the lead-in from the third commercial break.
Who loves it: Hoda Kotb.
How classy are you? Well, you have on polished boots, a long-tail coat, and a sweet fucking hat, so I’d say introducing conversation with you by talking about cucumber sandwiches wouldn’t be crazy.
Sports bars often fall well short of civilized, too, so if that’s where you land in this gear, then be prepared to have many managers offer you better seating, a chilled mug to go with your Natural Ice, or first dibs at the Appetizer Sampler.
Who loves it: James Bond in A View to a Kill
3. Speed Skating
Oh, it’s the Summer Games, Sherlock? Well, did you know it’s actually winter in Rio right now? (Oh, you didn’t, DID YOU?!?)
There could be an issue with sweating with this choice—I hear ya’— but you can show off your understanding of the seasons in different hemispheres and not really have to worry much about those tan lines or beer pouch poking out to say hello during a round of Jello shots.
Don’t forget the helmet if you really want to pull off this look—and if you want to get super-duper wasted and not worry about hitting your head on the corner of the shuffleboard…again.
Who loves it: D.B Sweeney
2. Track Cycling Outfit (with bike)
Sticking with the helmet theme, this choice also adds in deception in the form of style. The goggle/visor addition will allow you to a) get in a nap while Todd explains his thoughts on the election, and b) start a heightened twist on the trend to wear sunglasses indoors.
As you can see, the Track Cycling look works best if you can find a friend to sit up front (or the back). People with leg concerns may want to “steer” clear of this option, though it’s going to save you gas money, erase parking headaches, alleviate dealing with Uber or Lyft schizoid drivers, and help avoid D.U.I.s—cops will probably want to snap a picture with you, and that’s it!
Who loves it: Pee-Wee Herman
Timeless piece…like a Rolex for your nether region.
Yeah, yeah: Grooming is an issue. No argument there.
But whether you are at the bar or sitting at home, what better way to show your love of country than by wearing such a world-worn option.
Are you calling Michael Phelps an asshole?
You better not; the guy’s won, like, 75 medals in a Speedo. The least you can do is pay your respects by downing 75 shots of Stoli Vanil while wearing one of your own…
Guys, dress it up with a causal boat shoe.
Girls, nothing says Ready to Watch, than complementing your Speedo with a pair of cowboy boots and a lifeguard shirt.
Who loves it: Matt Damon
Of course, if you really desire to show off your Olympic spirit…then I would suggest dressing as the man synonymous—all over the World, maybe the universe—with athletic achievement, sweat, and sacrifice in the name of sports: