This year I decided to use a new method for filling out my NCAA bracket. Seeing that this tradition falls so damn close (practically on) St. Patrick’s Day, I thought it would be a great idea to scour the Los Angeles watering holes in search of one girl or guy who has been drinking since the wee a.m. hours, and let them fill out my bracket. So, I did. That’s when I met Shelly. Shelly was the best. She had seven Guinness before 10:30 a.m. and she gave zero fucks about…everything—unless, of course, you were talking about dancing on the bar top, stool, side of the bar, near the other peoples’ table—who all forgot it was St. Patrick’s Day—or next to Bridget’s guy…because she’s a total scum-scammer and she seriously tried to act like she wasn’t going to stay long and, like, has already barfed, like, three times…ON Pete’s shoes. Anyway, her guy looks totally bummed because he swiped right and probably regrets it.
Yep, Shelly was perfect.
And she was totally down with the help I was seeking. Did she know college basketball? Hell no. But that doesn’t stop ESPN’s hiring practices so why should it stop me from a possible chance of winning cash money…That’s right, I need to pay the mortgage, gang. Just like Bieber, Willie Nelson, Carl Weathers, and Michael J. and Megan Fox.
With that, here is my 2016 FINAL FOUR Bracket, according to Shelly.
SOUTH: Mmmmmiami Bitches! What? South Beach…So Fucking Good There (burps).
WEST: Oh, That’s With the Guy Who Text-Pic’ted His Penis (I think she meant Brett Favre…So I went with Green Bay).
Winner: Is It Wrong If I Want It To Be The Penis Guy?
EAST: Ffffiggg…Koo (She meant FGCU).
MIDWEST: Fffffffrrezzzzno….What the Hell is That? Sssssssttt-uh…Oh, Ssstate. Frezzzzzzno Ssstate.
Winner: Do FUBU (Laughs)..Is That Still Clothing?
Yes, Shelly, I believe it still is.
Enjoy the March Madness, y’all.